Post by dukecrunchybagel on Apr 23, 2008 22:04:28 GMT -5
I posted this about six months ago on the ESPN board:
Welcome to
MC: "Catfish's World of Revolving Middle Infielders.
Here's your host Catfish Krivsky..."
Kriv: "Thank you. Thank you. What a great crowd we have today. Who's our first contestant?"
FeLo: "Hello."
Kriv: "What's your name?"
FeLo: "My name is Felipe Lopez."
Kriv: "And what do you do?"
FeLo: "I am a shortstop. I batted .293 and hit 23 HRs last year for Mr. O'Brien."
Buzzer sounds
Kriv: "Well, I'm sorry, Felipe. But you just said the dirty Obie word. And there's only penalty for using the Obie world in Catfish's World and that is ..."
Crowd: "Crummy reliever! Crummy reliever! Crummy reliever!"
Kriv: "That's right! You've been traded for a crummy middle reliever! Farmer Bob tell him what he's won."
MC: "You've won an all-expenses paid trip to scenic Washington D.C., the nation's capitol, where you'll get to play for a team with even worse starting pitching."
(FeLo exits)
Kriv: "Let's see who Mr. Lopez's replacement is."
MC: "Our next contestant comes highly recommended from a Mr. JB who writes 'Thanks for the two starters, here is a nice consolation prize to go with your crummy relievers.'"
(Enter Harris)
Kriv: "Hey thanks, JB! Who are you and what do you do?"
Harris: "Hello, I'm Brendan Harris. I used to be one of the top Cubs prospects. I can play second, third, and short, but Jerry Narron doesn't play me."
Crowd applauds.
Kriv: "Wow! A genuine middle infielder then! Well, let's go ahead and spin the wheel."
Crowd cheers. Wheel spins and buzzer sounds.
Kriv: "Aww... sorry. The wheel says."
Crowd: "D... F.... A...." (Wild applause).
Kriv: "That's right you've been designated for assignment."
Phone on Kriv's stand rings.
Kriv: "Let's see who the caller is."
Loudspeaker: "Hi this is the Tamp Bay Devil Rays. We're prepared to offer you a caramel macchiato for Mr. Harris. We think he can hit better than .270."
Kriv: "Ha! Ha! Fat chance of that happening. It's a deal!"
Bell rings. Crowd applauses. Starbucks delivery man delivers hot drink to Kriv.
Kriv: "Mmmm, looks like I made out on that deal!"
Teletype chatters.
Kriv: "Hey, it's the waiver wire!"
Crowd cheers.
Kriv: "Let see whose name is on it! Gil. Jerry Gil. C'mon and make yourself known Mr. Gil."
Gil enters. Crowd applauds.
Gil: "Hi, I'm Jerry Gil. I play second, third, and the outfield. I batted .174 in 2004 for the Diamondbacks and led the Southern League in home runs."
Kriv: "Alright, Jerry. Why don't you pick a name out of the minor league pitching hat?"
Gil does so.
Gil: "Ouch!" (sticks finger in mouth)
Kriv: (reading paper) "Abe Woody. Well, Abe Woody, whoever you are, you are now property of the Arizona Diamondbacks!"
Crowd cheers.
Gil: "That hurt."
Kriv: "What did?"
Gil: "I got a nasty paper cut!"
Kriv: "Oooh, a paper cut. That means you are entitled to spend the year on the sixty day DL!"
Exit Gil. Crowd cheers. Teletype chatters.
Kriv: "It's the waiver wire again. It's my lucky day!"
Crowd cheers.
Kriv: "It tells me our next contestant is a Jeff Keppinger."
Kepp enters.
Kepp: "Hi, I'm Jeff Keppinger, and I can play second, third, and short. Nobody seems to want me, neither the Mets nor the Royals."
Kriv: "It sounds like you're our type of guy then! Pick a name from the minor league pitching hit."
Kepp: "Can I have a glove please?"
Kriv: "Smart boy."
MC hands Kepp a glove. He dons it, pulls a name out, and hands it to Kriv.
Kriv: (stumbling over the name) "Halt-i-wang-" (audience roars with laughter) "er. Russ Halt-i-wang-er, whoever you are, you're now a Kansas City Royal."
Audience applauses.
Kriv: "Okay, let's go ahead and spin the wheel."
Wheel spins. Bell rings. Audience cheers.
Kriv: "You've won our grand prize! A spot on the roster! And we all know how much Mr. Narron likes young infielders, so I'm sure you'll see plenty of playing time."
Kepp jumps up and down happily.
Kepp: "Alright!"
Kriv: "Of course if you get a roster spot, that means somebody else has to lose a spot. C'mon up here Jeff and press one of the mystery buttons."
Curtains part to reveal a group of Reds standing on a platform.
Crowd "D.... F.... A.....!" (cheers)
Kepp presses one of the mystery buttons; one of the floor panels opens and one of the gang of Reds falls through with a scream.
Kriv: "Tell us what just happened, Farmer Bob!"
MC: "You've placed Ray Olmedo on waivers where he has been claimed by the Toronto Blue Jays!"
Kepp jumps up and down happily.
Kepp: "Alright!" (Lands funny) "Ouch!"
Kriv: "Looks like you just earned yourself a trip to the fifteen day DL, Jeff! But don't worry; I'm sure Mr. Narron will find plenty of time for you when you get back."
Exit Kepp. Enter Starbucks delivery man (SDM).
SDM: "Hey, where's my tip?"
Kriv: "Well, why don't you pick a name from the minor league pitching hat?"
Crowd cheers. SDM pulls a slip of paper out of the hat.
SDM: "Hey I got two here."
Kriv: "Let's see. Brian Shackelford, well you can have him."
Audience roars with laughter.
Kriv: "But I can't let you have a second pitcher, this Calvin Medford."
SDM: "It says Medlock."
Audience laughs.
Kriv: "Whatever. You're going to have to sweeten the deal."
SDM: "Well I have a middle infielder the Rays sent with me in the van."
Kriv: "It's a deal! Sent him in!"
MC: "Brian Shackelford and Calvin Medlock you are now property of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays!"
Crowd cheers. Enter Cantu.
Cantu: "I'm Jorge Cantu. I play second, third, and first. I hit .301 in rookie year and then .286 with 28 home runs and 117 RBIs in my sophomore year. I then got injured and haven't been able to play the same since."
Kriv: "You sound like my type of guy."
MC: "Advance scout Pete Mackanin says Jorge could bat close to .300 if he was running the team."
Kriv: "Well I have every confidence in Mr. Narron. Let's spin the wheel!"
Wheel spins. Buzzer sounds.
Kriv: "Uh oh!"
Crowd: "D.... F.... A....!”
Kriv: "You've been designated for assignment. Thanks for playing, Jorge."
Cantu exits.
Kriv: "It's been a really great show. Join us next year with contestants such as Juan Castro!"
MC: "Catfishes Revolving Middle Infielder Game is a Crunchy Bagels production. All rights reserved. Reproduction, retransmission, or rebroadcast without the express written permission of the Commissioner and Crunchy Bagel Productions is prohibited. Bring you chairs into an upright position, retract your trays, and observe the no smoking sign. This Farmer Bob wishing you and yours a happy holiday season and a mediocre 2008!"
Welcome to
MC: "Catfish's World of Revolving Middle Infielders.
Here's your host Catfish Krivsky..."
Kriv: "Thank you. Thank you. What a great crowd we have today. Who's our first contestant?"
FeLo: "Hello."
Kriv: "What's your name?"
FeLo: "My name is Felipe Lopez."
Kriv: "And what do you do?"
FeLo: "I am a shortstop. I batted .293 and hit 23 HRs last year for Mr. O'Brien."
Buzzer sounds
Kriv: "Well, I'm sorry, Felipe. But you just said the dirty Obie word. And there's only penalty for using the Obie world in Catfish's World and that is ..."
Crowd: "Crummy reliever! Crummy reliever! Crummy reliever!"
Kriv: "That's right! You've been traded for a crummy middle reliever! Farmer Bob tell him what he's won."
MC: "You've won an all-expenses paid trip to scenic Washington D.C., the nation's capitol, where you'll get to play for a team with even worse starting pitching."
(FeLo exits)
Kriv: "Let's see who Mr. Lopez's replacement is."
MC: "Our next contestant comes highly recommended from a Mr. JB who writes 'Thanks for the two starters, here is a nice consolation prize to go with your crummy relievers.'"
(Enter Harris)
Kriv: "Hey thanks, JB! Who are you and what do you do?"
Harris: "Hello, I'm Brendan Harris. I used to be one of the top Cubs prospects. I can play second, third, and short, but Jerry Narron doesn't play me."
Crowd applauds.
Kriv: "Wow! A genuine middle infielder then! Well, let's go ahead and spin the wheel."
Crowd cheers. Wheel spins and buzzer sounds.
Kriv: "Aww... sorry. The wheel says."
Crowd: "D... F.... A...." (Wild applause).
Kriv: "That's right you've been designated for assignment."
Phone on Kriv's stand rings.
Kriv: "Let's see who the caller is."
Loudspeaker: "Hi this is the Tamp Bay Devil Rays. We're prepared to offer you a caramel macchiato for Mr. Harris. We think he can hit better than .270."
Kriv: "Ha! Ha! Fat chance of that happening. It's a deal!"
Bell rings. Crowd applauses. Starbucks delivery man delivers hot drink to Kriv.
Kriv: "Mmmm, looks like I made out on that deal!"
Teletype chatters.
Kriv: "Hey, it's the waiver wire!"
Crowd cheers.
Kriv: "Let see whose name is on it! Gil. Jerry Gil. C'mon and make yourself known Mr. Gil."
Gil enters. Crowd applauds.
Gil: "Hi, I'm Jerry Gil. I play second, third, and the outfield. I batted .174 in 2004 for the Diamondbacks and led the Southern League in home runs."
Kriv: "Alright, Jerry. Why don't you pick a name out of the minor league pitching hat?"
Gil does so.
Gil: "Ouch!" (sticks finger in mouth)
Kriv: (reading paper) "Abe Woody. Well, Abe Woody, whoever you are, you are now property of the Arizona Diamondbacks!"
Crowd cheers.
Gil: "That hurt."
Kriv: "What did?"
Gil: "I got a nasty paper cut!"
Kriv: "Oooh, a paper cut. That means you are entitled to spend the year on the sixty day DL!"
Exit Gil. Crowd cheers. Teletype chatters.
Kriv: "It's the waiver wire again. It's my lucky day!"
Crowd cheers.
Kriv: "It tells me our next contestant is a Jeff Keppinger."
Kepp enters.
Kepp: "Hi, I'm Jeff Keppinger, and I can play second, third, and short. Nobody seems to want me, neither the Mets nor the Royals."
Kriv: "It sounds like you're our type of guy then! Pick a name from the minor league pitching hit."
Kepp: "Can I have a glove please?"
Kriv: "Smart boy."
MC hands Kepp a glove. He dons it, pulls a name out, and hands it to Kriv.
Kriv: (stumbling over the name) "Halt-i-wang-" (audience roars with laughter) "er. Russ Halt-i-wang-er, whoever you are, you're now a Kansas City Royal."
Audience applauses.
Kriv: "Okay, let's go ahead and spin the wheel."
Wheel spins. Bell rings. Audience cheers.
Kriv: "You've won our grand prize! A spot on the roster! And we all know how much Mr. Narron likes young infielders, so I'm sure you'll see plenty of playing time."
Kepp jumps up and down happily.
Kepp: "Alright!"
Kriv: "Of course if you get a roster spot, that means somebody else has to lose a spot. C'mon up here Jeff and press one of the mystery buttons."
Curtains part to reveal a group of Reds standing on a platform.
Crowd "D.... F.... A.....!" (cheers)
Kepp presses one of the mystery buttons; one of the floor panels opens and one of the gang of Reds falls through with a scream.
Kriv: "Tell us what just happened, Farmer Bob!"
MC: "You've placed Ray Olmedo on waivers where he has been claimed by the Toronto Blue Jays!"
Kepp jumps up and down happily.
Kepp: "Alright!" (Lands funny) "Ouch!"
Kriv: "Looks like you just earned yourself a trip to the fifteen day DL, Jeff! But don't worry; I'm sure Mr. Narron will find plenty of time for you when you get back."
Exit Kepp. Enter Starbucks delivery man (SDM).
SDM: "Hey, where's my tip?"
Kriv: "Well, why don't you pick a name from the minor league pitching hat?"
Crowd cheers. SDM pulls a slip of paper out of the hat.
SDM: "Hey I got two here."
Kriv: "Let's see. Brian Shackelford, well you can have him."
Audience roars with laughter.
Kriv: "But I can't let you have a second pitcher, this Calvin Medford."
SDM: "It says Medlock."
Audience laughs.
Kriv: "Whatever. You're going to have to sweeten the deal."
SDM: "Well I have a middle infielder the Rays sent with me in the van."
Kriv: "It's a deal! Sent him in!"
MC: "Brian Shackelford and Calvin Medlock you are now property of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays!"
Crowd cheers. Enter Cantu.
Cantu: "I'm Jorge Cantu. I play second, third, and first. I hit .301 in rookie year and then .286 with 28 home runs and 117 RBIs in my sophomore year. I then got injured and haven't been able to play the same since."
Kriv: "You sound like my type of guy."
MC: "Advance scout Pete Mackanin says Jorge could bat close to .300 if he was running the team."
Kriv: "Well I have every confidence in Mr. Narron. Let's spin the wheel!"
Wheel spins. Buzzer sounds.
Kriv: "Uh oh!"
Crowd: "D.... F.... A....!”
Kriv: "You've been designated for assignment. Thanks for playing, Jorge."
Cantu exits.
Kriv: "It's been a really great show. Join us next year with contestants such as Juan Castro!"
MC: "Catfishes Revolving Middle Infielder Game is a Crunchy Bagels production. All rights reserved. Reproduction, retransmission, or rebroadcast without the express written permission of the Commissioner and Crunchy Bagel Productions is prohibited. Bring you chairs into an upright position, retract your trays, and observe the no smoking sign. This Farmer Bob wishing you and yours a happy holiday season and a mediocre 2008!"
